God I miss having easy access to cannabis that didn't involve me needing to go outside. I miss the side effect of being able to just trivially impose over the body with what feels more correct. I miss the feeling of closeness to the girls that came with our high snuggles. I miss the easy communication and the effects on synesthesia. I miss the safe buzz feeling. I miss just existing without worrying as much. I miss being able to turn off anxiety attacks at will.
I get respite from this every so often in my dreams. Sometimes I'll have a glorious dream where I have control of my form and I just make it correct. Then I go swimming or something
The worst part of those dreams is waking up.
Feeling the sensations from the whole body all at once as I get re-acquainted to being awake. Feeling the inputs I hate and I like. Looking down and feeling inadequate. Waking up and just feeling _wrong_ is so hard.
This rant got way longer than I wanted it to be at first. It feels good getting all of this out though.
@cadey I admit... peopling ain't easy. I have been in the weirdest funk since thursday. Dunno if all this started hitting you then (I feel like somehow... we're connected sometimes). I honestly have spent the last three days wondering what I am all over again. Probably due to a seriously dramatic episode at work, but wow. I'm fragile. My composure is a thread suspending a ton of bricks. I got another mini shock tonight, and I'm puddling up with my own crew. This month was great and harsh
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