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I'm going to try to make a commitment to get better. I can't be this nervous train wreck that certain people are either afraid to get emotionally close to, because they're afraid they'll get hurt too; or they learn can't handle me so they keep themselves at a distance.

I can't go through life being like this anymore. No matter what the hell has happened to me.

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I've sort of made this commitment before but I want to double down on it now and really reinforce myself. I've had a rough week but the past day or two I've been trying to reaffirm to myself that I'm a decent person, worth loving, who deserves happiness, and isn't a piece of shit just cause some bad shit happened to me that stretched my coping mechanisms to the breaking point.

I spent years just isolating myself and hoping it'd get better, and when I stopped isolating myself, I hoped that would help me get better, too. Shocker: the problems are still there, and time alone won't fix it. I have to *work* on them, but at least I have an idea of where to start and where I'm going.

There's a certain someone in my life I want to drive that last toot home with, too.

Don't waste years of your life doing the shit I did with your problems.

The way I see it, I survived this long, somehow. A lot of other people in my shoes haven't. But I'm still here. And despite all my attempts, the fact I haven't been successful is telling: that part of me is still fighting and hasn't given up.

And I got a good best friend (maybe more idk?), a good wife, a good girlfriend (albeit very busy and in a bad state herself), other friends around me, and of course fedi, with people all rooting for me. I'm not alone, I haven't been for a long while, and I have to remember that.

@Elizafox while i aint that certain person, I know the feel all too well. It combines with introversion and makes a super deadly cocktail of issues. No one is usually around for my venting so I wanted to reply to yours to make sure you get that. :blobcatheart:

@Elizafox you have hard work in front of you, but it can be done Wish you success!

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