@mothman it's only an occasional thing, but it's still something I worry about. It happens once every two weeks or so.

I guess we should prolly both work towards recovery...

@cattebune always

@Elizafox i was gonna reply with an advice but then i realized it's no advice and i'm just fucked up in a slightly different way

@wilbr that's not a half bad idea

@Elizafox separately, standard couple's therapy advice applies: say or write down how YOU FEEL about a situation or each other or PTSD episodes or fights, and what positive things you want for the other person.

Nobody can tell you how to feel. Feelings exist, like the weather. They can however expect you to respond to feelings properly.

@Elizafox example:

"I feel terrified when Eliza is angry. I hope she can ask for help next time instead of exploding. I want to help her but can't when she's loud."

You can't get mad at her for saying how she feels (unless she's twisting words i.e. "I feel like you're a selfish bitch") -- her feelings are sacrosanct. Again the question is what do we DO about the feelings. Acknowledge, process healthily, move on? Communicate? Make good plans?

@Elizafox adopt a listening first approach in these "therapy" sessions and prioritize the others' comfort above all. Maybe the first time lasts 45 seconds, involves tea, and consists of "I just can't handle high volume." But knowing they can share how they felt without judgment or triggers is foundational. Build trust and rapport by supporting and working through things slowly in this way. Read therapy books.

@Elizafox maybe you're both so far gone during PTSD that all you can manage is a finger-snap or other signal. That's ok. Practice using that signal as a "disengage, reassure, and regroup" message.

Example: my fiancee needed to be able to tell me "I love you but I need to be alone right now and if you don't respect that I'm going to stab somebody." Establishing and using that (it's hard!) has reduced stabbings by 90%!

@Elizafox I'm also learning that, despite seemingly designed to piss me off, when she does a timid baby voice or acts like an entitled brat or explains her reasoning, she's actually making a last-ditch attempt at salvaging things before having a massive panic attack. Saying no to that, even if it's completely justified, is basically saying "fuck that and fuck you, I don't love you." Which isn't good.

~~communication~~

@Elizafox humans are not rational. We act from emotion and instinct first and then rationalize afterwards. One of the ways we learn best is by modeling roles and imitating. It seems stupid but going through the motions and hearing yourself say the words and seeing your partner respond can "kick start" your instincts. Practice healthy alternatives and they'll become habit. Create safe spaces for each other.